In an absolutely shocking turn of events, Fiona Macdonald, a woman who has never participated in sex work, has emerged as the leading authority on the subject. Macdonald, whose qualifications include reading Twitter threads and having a well-intentioned, yet unwavering sense of moral superiority, has taken it upon herself to educate actual sex workers about the true horrors of their livelihood.
"I know some of you think you're empowered, happy, and financially independent," Macdonald said in a recent Twitter exchange. "But as someone who's never stepped foot in a brothel, or had to make a living with my body, I can tell you—it's just not real. The patriarchy has tricked you into thinking you're OK. It’s my duty to save you from yourself.”
Despite numerous responses from sex workers explaining that they are happy with their work, using the income to support themselves and their families, Macdonald remains adamant. “But think back,” she insists. “Did you, as a child, dream of one day being a sex worker? No, you probably dreamed of being an astronaut or a vet. Why not chase those dreams instead?”
Macdonald’s deep insights into the career aspirations of sex workers—most of whom she’s never met—have resonated with... well, mostly other people who have also never been in sex work but are super into telling others how to live their lives.
Nadia Whittome MP, who had the audacity to suggest that sex work might be a labor issue that should be treated like any other job, was on the receiving end of one of Macdonald’s infamous diatribes. "How could you, Nadia? Surely, you must see that decriminalizing sex work is just code for giving pimps and traffickers a free pass!" she lamented, despite having no idea how actual decriminalization works or, again, how people find themselves in the industry in the first place.
“But as a child… did you dream of a union? Did you dream of organizing sex workers?” Macdonald asked, clutching her pearls as if she had just discovered that sometimes life doesn’t turn out like a 90s Disney movie.
When asked how she acquired her extensive knowledge on the subject, Macdonald revealed that she read *at least* two articles on a website called "Moral Judgments Monthly" and has watched "Pretty Woman" at least five times.
In a rare moment of reflection, Macdonald admitted that she’s never actually spoken to a sex worker in real life, but she feels that her perspective as a Twitter observer gives her all the insight she needs. “I’m an ally!” she proclaimed, conveniently ignoring the voices of actual sex workers in her mentions. “I’m here to help them understand their own lives better than they can themselves.”
Sources confirmed that, despite her best efforts, Macdonald has not yet been awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for her selfless contributions to the war against... things she doesn't understand.
In related news, the sex workers in her comment section, all of whom continue to express their contentment with their careers, were last seen rolling their eyes so hard that they feared they might get stuck that way. “I mean, sure,” one said, “I’m feeding my kids and paying my bills, but please, Fiona, tell me more about how I’m living in a misogynistic hellscape. You seem like you’d know.”
Editor’s Note: Fiona is currently working on her next big Bluesky crusade, “Did You Dream as a Child of Being a Barista?” Stay tuned.
