No The Fuck They Didn’t

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Amazon Denies Time Off to Employee Who Gets Hit by Truck and Shot, Cites ‘Lack of Documentation’ for Multi-Stage Catastrophes

In a truly jaw-dropping showcase of corporate empathy, Amazon made headlines this week for denying a time-off request from an Alabama woman who was hit by a truck and then shot in a bizarre and horrifying New Orleans terrorist attack—because apparently, even being a human pinball in a Quentin Tarantino film doesn’t count as a valid excuse to miss work.

The woman, whose name has been withheld for privacy, miraculously survived what experts are calling a “Choose Your Own Tragedy” scenario. After being struck by a truck in broad daylight, she was subsequently shot by a terrorist—because when it rains in New Orleans, it apparently pours bullets. Bleeding and battered, she somehow managed to survive this surreal crossover between Grand Theft Auto and The Hunger Games.

Naturally, she notified her employer, Amazon, hoping to get a little R&R (that’s rest and recovery, not resignation and retaliation). But instead of offering sympathy or at least a gift card for free Prime shipping, the tech behemoth allegedly asked her to submit “additional documentation” for her request. One can only assume this would include affidavits from the truck driver aka terrorist, and perhaps a notarized statement from Death itself.

Corporate Compassion Hits Rock Bottom, Digs a Tunnel

In their defense, Amazon might have thought the request was frivolous. After all, plenty of their warehouse employees deal with minor workplace issues like torn ligaments, shattered dreams, and their soul being slowly crushed by an AI-powered schedule. “A truck AND a bullet?” one HR representative was overheard saying. “Sounds like she’s just trying to one-up Greg, who sprained his ankle on a Roomba.”

Adding insult to injury—literally—the denial reportedly came with a cheerful reminder that unused PTO doesn’t roll over into the next year. “We encourage our employees to plan their catastrophes more thoughtfully,” an internal memo allegedly read. “We can’t accommodate spontaneous tragedies during peak shipping season.”

Public Outrage Prompts a Corporate About-Face

Once the news hit social media, public backlash was swift and merciless. Comments ranged from “Amazon really is delivering trauma overnight now” to “I bet they’d let her take time off if she ordered her own coffin through Prime.”

Facing a tsunami of bad press, Amazon quickly reversed its decision, granting the woman time off and even offering to pay her medical bills. CEO Andy Jassy reportedly added, “We value all our employees—especially the ones who survive incidents that would kill off most of the Fast & Furious cast. We see this as an opportunity to grow and learn, much like how our warehouse robots learn to avoid union organizers.”

A Question for the Ages: What Will It Take?

The ordeal raises an important question: what exactly does it take to get Amazon-approved time off? Alien abduction? Falling into an active volcano? Surviving a death match with Jeff Bezos in space?

One thing’s for sure: the next time an employee submits a PTO request, they better include not only a doctor’s note but also body-cam footage, a letter of apology from the offending truck, and at least three Yelp reviews confirming the terrorist’s aim.

Until then, workers everywhere are left wondering if Amazon’s next innovation will be same-day delivery of a spine—because clearly, their HR department is in desperate need of one.