In a groundbreaking display of mental gymnastics that would leave even Simone Biles in awe, a new coalition of moral purists and faux-progressives have united to take bold, uninformed stances on sex work—a subject they know absolutely nothing about. Armed with ignorance and a pathological need to control women’s choices, these critics have declared sex work “not empowering” while simultaneously fetishizing minimum wage exploitation, drunk bar hook-ups, and the hollow sanctity of transactional marriage.
To these folks, the argument is simple: If you’re a sex worker making the deliberate, sober choice to charge for your time and energy—whether it’s intellectual, emotional, or physical labor—you’re a pawn in some mythical patriarchy. But if you’re Becky downing two shitty vodka cranberries at the dive bar because Greg kind of looks like her type under the neon light, you’re a feminist icon.
Let’s talk about Greg, shall we? Greg thinks $20 worth of well drinks entitles him to at least six hours of your life and maybe a halfhearted round of bad sex in his crusty twin bed. And the critics? They’re cool with this! Coercion? Never heard of her. Empowerment, they claim, is letting social norms guilt you into performing intimacy for the price of two drinks and a “You’re so hot” whispered into your ear over Nickelback on the jukebox.
Meanwhile, sex workers—who have the audacity to charge rent money for the same experience (minus the shitty playlist)—are the enemy? Sorry, but if Becky deserves a crown for enduring Greg’s whiskey breath for free, sex workers should be canonized.
And then there’s the marriage worship. According to these critics, sex work isn’t real work, but sex as a bargaining chip for handbags, spa trips, and minivans is the highest form of empowerment. Sure, Karen. Tell me more about how wifely duty isn’t transactional when you’re negotiating bedtime favors in exchange for the latest Prada. Financial domination? More like financial delusion. The irony? When these Stepford wives find themselves divorced, penniless, and crawling back into the workforce, many turn to—wait for it—sex work to survive. Oh, but that’s not empowering either, right?
But the hypocrisy doesn’t stop there. The faux allies come in hot with their slogans: Support all women! Sex work is work! Until they don’t like someone. Then, suddenly, the vocabulary expands to “whore,” “hooker,” and “slut” as their insults of choice. Melania Trump? A prostitute, apparently. Why call out her actual actions when you can just slut-shame her? Nothing screams feminist like weaponizing sex work as an insult.
And here’s the kicker: these people claim to be “inclusive” while dragging sex workers through the mud. You support women, but only if they’re following your script? Inclusive, but not when a woman owns her body and demands compensation for her time? That’s like saying you’re a vegan except when you’re eating bacon. You’re not progressive; you’re just a walking contradiction in a Forever 21 cardigan.
Meanwhile, the actual villains of society—Andrew Tate, Elon Musk, Alex Jones, Jesse Singal, religious cult leaders—get a pass. Dragging them requires effort and nuance, and it’s just so much easier to kick a sex worker while wearing your “Empathy Matters” pin.
So, here’s the deal: stop pretending coercion at the bar, wage slavery, or hollow suburban marriages are empowering just because they don’t have “sex work” on the label. And for the love of all that’s holy, find some new insults. Or better yet, direct your misplaced rage toward someone who deserves it, like flat earthers or crypto bros.
Until then, keep your opinions on sex work to yourself. Because no one asked for them, and quite frankly, we’re all dumber for having heard them.
Kthxbye forever.
